This week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.



"Kind of hoped there'd be Segways."




Here are this week's nominees...



“Did anyone turn in a cape last night?”
Submitted by Theodore Frant, Jr.
Groton, Conn.

"Please tell me that was your car I just backed into."
Submitted by James Demers
New York, N.Y.

“The invisible man picked up my tab.”
Submitted by Steve Case
Tuscaloosa, Ala.

I entered...
"There's an invisible car outside with it's lights on."

2011 Holiday Card

Here's this year's family holiday card! It celebrates my less than perfect spelling, and punctuation.

You can see some more of our old cards here.

Front



Inside

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.



"He'll be Jolly again; he just needs to eat something."







Here's the leftovers...

They warn us about building in the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant.

Well you don't get that big eating frozen peas and corn.


Here's this week's nominees...





"Actually, it came with the glasses."
Submitted by Margot Williams
Ypsilanti, Mich.

"I was just made pardner."
Submitted by Jeremy Fain
Los Angeles, Calif.

"Be careful about Ctrl-M."
Submitted by Louis Pappas
Washington, D.C.


I entered...

"Did I miss anything while I was napping?"

this Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.



"There's an invisible car outside with it's lights on."





Here are the leftovers...


I'll have a Kryptonite and soda.

There's a star covered red and yellow multi-wheeled vehicle blocking my car.




Sorry, I thought this was a secret identity bar.




Here are this week's nominees...




“I wish I could help you, but I'm a real-estate lawyer.”
Submitted by Tricia Bacon
Alexandria, Va.

“I know this seems weird, but even as a cub I could feel the rush of Wall Street racing through my veins.”
Submitted by James C. Czumak
Merritt Island, Fla.

“If you can't eat 'em, join 'em.”
Submitted by Arthur M. Rogers, Jr.
Lake Wales, Fla.


I entered...

"It hasn't been easy adapting to life outside."

this Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Did I miss anything while I was napping?"



Here are the leftovers...


How are those mustache reports coming?

I want to talk to you about the dress code.

It's not a mustache, it's more of a wantstache.



This week's nominees...




"He was a terrible pet—why did we think he'd make a great coffee table?"
Submitted by Rob Mariani
Bristol, R.I.

"When it's an elephant, we'll talk."
Submitted by Arun Nalkara
Orland Park, Ill.

"When's the last time you charged a man who looked at me?"
Submitted by Ann Linde
Eugene, Ore.

I entered...

"While you're out could you pick up some more giant white marbles?"

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"It hasn't been easy adapting to life outside."



Here are the left overs...


I'm now president of the jungle.

Don't blow my cover, I'm almost out of here.

If you wanted a better lawyer you should have hired a rat.


Here are this week's nominees...




"Regime change is never easy, dear."
Submitted by Gregory Malloy
East Sandwich, Mass.

"So much for starting over in a new city."
Submitted by Ronald Eomurian
Long Beach, Calif.

"It says here, 'Assume the prone position and return enemy fire until such time as reinforcements arrive.' "
Submitted by Douglass Stinson
Encinitas, Calif.

I entered...
"Close the window there's a draft."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"While you're out could you pick up some more giant white marbles?"






Here are the leftovers

Now that we've dealt with the elephant in the room we have another issue.

Hardwood floors have only made the issue tolerable!

You said we can't get a "dog".

I miss the old coffee table.








Here are this week's nominees...




"I guess this explains last night."
Submitted by Jim Wolfe
New York, N.Y.

"Oh, come on, I wasn't screaming at you."
Submitted by Bram Kleppner
Burlington, Vt.

"Wake up! You're missing the worst part."
Submitted by Nevin Martell
Washington, D.C.

I also entered...

"Wake up, you're missing the worst part!"

this Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Close the window there's a draft."




Here are this week's nominees...

“You're gonna have to roll me outta here.”
Submitted by Everett Hartwell
Berkeley, Calif.

“I'd kill for some cream cheese.”
Submitted by Joe Balding
Athens, Ohio

“I think you just ate the spare.”
Submitted by Andrew Pagoulatos
Blairstown, N.J.

I entered...

"This is the greatest invention in our police force's history."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Wake up, you're missing the worst part!"



Here are the leftovers...


You always have to different!

I fell asleep at the Ballet one time! ONE TIME!





Here are this week's nominees...



"That lady's shoes kind of remind me of Joey."
Submitted by Andy Crown
Los Angeles, Calif.

"I still say the sewers are quicker."
Submitted by Howard Lewis Russell
Dallas, Texas

"Anyone care to join us for lunch?"
Submitted by Sara Joshel
Lake Oswego, Ore.

I entered...
"We'll have to tell the other sewer monsters about this!"

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.

"This is the greatest invention in our police force's history."






Here's the leftovers...

These are much better than all those lightbulbs we ate.

Maybe we should just eat our mistakes.



Here's this weeks nominees...






"Honey, there's a sale on scarecrows."
Submitted by Peter Adair
Westminster West, Vt.

"If you do the dishes, I'll dust the crops."
Submitted by Craig MacInnis
Toronto, Ont.

"Well, you were right, dear. It does hide that stain in the carpet."
Submitted by Matthew Giamporcaro
Leesburg, Va.

I entered...

"Can you believe it's been 10 years since we got stuck in this maze?"

this Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"We'll have to tell the other sewer monsters about this!"






Here are the leftovers...

This is much better than traveling by sewer.

The city has really changed in the last 65 million years.

Did you see Sharks and the City last night?

Thought they didn't allow food on the subway.




Here are this week's nominees...




"O.K., who moved his cheese?"
Submitted by David Lusk
Chesterfield, Mich.

"Quickly—now release the giant cat!"
Submitted by Curt Horvath
Wilmette, Ill.

"Head for the maze!"
Submitted by Curtis McClurkin
New Bedford, Mass.

I entered...
"It works! Ship it to the NFL!"

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Can you believe it's been 10 years since we got stuck in this maze?"





Here are the leftovers...

Does our carpet look too corny?

We have to shampoo the carpet.

If you build it they will lounge.

This isn't what I thought you meant when you said you were getting corn rows.

Field of Attainable Goals.


Here are this week's nominees....





"I'm gonna go ahead and reheat last night's casserole."
Submitted by Kathryn Willingham
New York, N.Y.

"Let me know if the massacre is running late."
Submitted by George Gerding
Portland, Ore.

"It's just crabgrass, dear."
Submitted by Noel Hager
Albuquerque, N.M.

I entered...

"Have fun fishing."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"It works! Ship it to the NFL!"




Here are this week's nominees....




"Who has the time anymore? Now it just sits there, gathering dust."
Submitted by James Clements
Culpeper, Va.

"When we drink wines from Spain, we replace it with the rack."
Submitted by Andy Van Horn
Orinda, Calif.

"It's been in the family since 1789."
Submitted by Susan G. Thompson
Woodbridge, Va.

I entered...

Anyone want cake?

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Have fun fishing."





Here are the leftovers...

I know you only go out there to drink.

Could you at least try telling them to turn down the music first?

Have fun at Murder Camp.

I saw the mouse behind the garage.

You shouldn't have let the lawn go for so long.





Here's this week's nominees...



"I'll be rapping my presentation."
Submitted by Brandon Lawniczak
Chicago, Ill.

"Prison made him reassess his priorities."
Submitted by Jeffrey Ainis
Monrovia, Calif.

"The acoustics were better in the old boardroom."
Submitted by Stephen Laczniak
Mequon, Wis.


I entered...

"You have to admit, he sings a good point."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


Anyone want cake?






Here are the leftovers...

Who says you can't build a better mouse trap?

Don't worry, it's not what you think, we use it to cut off heads.

Keeps the baby from going near the electrical outlets.











Here are this week's nominees...



"It seems a bit extreme, but it does keep the zombies away."
Submitted by Nathan Paxton
Washington, D.C.

"I dare anyone to say we missed a spot."
Submitted by Virginia Nailling
Austin, Texas

"Looks like they’re making cuts at the top."
Submitted by David Woodbridge
Lake Forest, Ill.

I entered...

"The enchanted mannequins return every morning at sunrise."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"You have to admit, he sings a good point."




Here are the leftovers...

He preforms for stock tips.


Here are this week's nominees...



"There is one more thing we could try."
Submitted by Rob Huffman
Fredericksburg, Va.

"Keep it up."
Submitted by Charlie Pearson
Fairfax, Calif.

"The procedure is completely reversible."
Submitted by Steve Attoe
Calgary, Alta.

I entered...
"Have you considered a dimmer switch?"

this week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"The enchanted mannequins return every morning at sunrise."






Here are the leftovers...

"Here come the suits" is what most people would say, but I'm way too funny a janitor to say that.

The people running this company have their heads up their asses.

Here come the emperors new executives.



Here's this weeks nominees...





"Maybe this explains why we never had children."
Submitted by Tyler Burnett
San Antonio, Texas

"You knew I was a columnist when you married me."
Submitted by Laurissa James
New York, N.Y.

"This game looked a lot easier in the store."
Submitted by Jeffrey Hutchins
Black Mountain, N.C.

I entered...

"Let's just spill something on the carpet and get it over with."

this week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Have you considered a dimmer switch?"





Here are the leftovers...

This should help you turn your brain off before bed.

Be sure to have it in the off position before watching television.

I would avoid surgery and recommend a large novelty hat.








Here's this week's nominees...




"O.K., we learned a lot this game, including you can't rush a soufflé."
Submitted by Jay Solomon
New York, N.Y.

"First base wants to know if you have anything gluten-free."
Submitted by Michael Hicks
New Orleans, La.

"I trust you know what to do when you get to the plate."
Submitted by Phil Rosenthal
Chicago, Ill.

I entered...
"The idea behind new uniforms was that we'd all wear the SAME new uniforms."

This week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Let's just spill something on the carpet and get it over with."




Here's the leftovers...


Can't we just put plastic on the furniture?

We could just take our shoes off on the carpet.






This week's nominees...



"Want to play the license-plate game again?"
Submitted by David Franta
Cincinnati, Ohio

"Is it so important that it be a rescue ship?"
Submitted by Eric Behrens
Austin, Texas

"So I see you went with the grass interior."
Submitted by Jeffrey Kechejian
Bridgeport, Conn.


I entered...

"I remember when this was all swampland."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"The idea behind new uniforms was that we'd all wear the SAME new uniforms."







Here are the leftovers...

Alright serve them up something good.

Okay chief you up next, then you chief, then you chef.

Hit the showers chef, you're crab cakes are uninspired.






Here are this week's nominees...





"You know I'll just go straight to your hips."
Submitted by Blake Chapman
Toronto, Ont.

"We're sorry about your cat, but he was eating the slower children."
Submitted by Steven Woof
Aventura, Fla.

"You’re gonna be huge in this town."
Submitted by David Wilson
Morristown, N.J.

I entered...

"Please spare my boobs, I mean life!"

this Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.



"I remember when this was all swampland."




Here's the leftovers...


I wish I'd brought my favorite stop sign instead of this record.

They just ran over the bottle.

This island use to be so deserted.


This week's nominee...



"I finally bagged this monster after three days of bidding on eBay."
Submitted by Mike Harrington
Prairie Village, Kans.

"I only use this room when I'm sentimental for obliteration."
Submitted by Jamie Reynolds
Sisters, Ore.

"It put up quite a fight, but then it ran out of gas."
Submitted by John Blumenthal
Rye, N.Y.

I entered...

"These are extinct now."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Please spare my boobs, I mean life!"




Here are the leftovers...

Oh I get it, you're only interested in my car.








Here are this week's nominees...



"Maybe you can talk him down."
Submitted by Brandon Bart
Brooklyn, N.Y.

"Can I get you a cup of coffee and a pair of stilts?"
Submitted by Claire Stern
Newton, Mass.

"He's at the top now, but he still likes to claw his way there every morning."
Submitted by Ken Alexander
Culver City, Calif.

I entered...
"Word of advice, don't mention his enormous shins."

this Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"These are extinct now."




Here are the leftovers...

It was "Friendly Fire", but what the heck.

You'd be amazed what a handgun can stop now days.

Can you believe the steroids deer are on these days?



Here are this week's nominees...






"Performance art eludes me."
Submitted by Rita Rancken
Austin, Texas

"I've changed my mind, Frank. The pool should be over there."
Submitted by Jonathon J. Pepper
New York, N.Y.

"One more, and we are officially lunatics."
Submitted by Jeff D'Onofrio
Wilton, Conn.

I entered...

"On second thought let's put the pool by the tree."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Word of advice, don't mention his enormous shins."





Here are the leftovers...


Make yourself uncomfortable.


Here are this week's nominees...







"We never should have sold those air rights, Ed."
Submitted by Jim Kenney
Glendale, N.Y.

"Oh, look. The Nelsons have their own gravity now."
Submitted by James Hawes
Huntington Beach, Calif.

"Looks like they're ready to be flipped, Bob."
Submitted by Dylan White
Toronto, Ont.


I entered...

"So that's what life would've been like if I'd gotten that perm."

Sexy Dan Scanlon

For my birthday Michele got me this great painting by story artist Josh Cooley . It's based on a very disturbing Halloween costume idea Michele had. She was tired of every girl dressing up as a "Sexy Nurse", "Sexy School Girl" and "Sexy Big Bird" that she decided next year she wants to dress up as a "Sexy" version of me.

I wear pretty much the same type of clothes every day: baseball cap, plaid western shirt,brown corduroy pants, and black tennis shoes.

So behold the Freudian nightmare that is, this years run away Halloween costume, "Sexy Dan Scanlon".




Josh has a series of "girlie" playing cards done in this same style available by clicking here.

this Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"On second thought let's put the pool by the tree."




Here's the leftovers...


Nasa wants this moon landing to look perfect.

Do you remember the last time you saw your cars key?

I said giant squares!





Here's this week's nominees...



"Didn't you retire ages ago?"
Submitted by Connor Ryan
Salem, Mass.

"Let's walk him and pitch to the bishop."
Submitted by Dov Cohen
Champaign, Ill.

"Surely you joust."
Submitted by Marianne Baker
Deception Pass, Wash.

I entered...

"These "throwback" uniforms have gone too far".