Store Names

I love stores with silly pun names! But they’re not just limited to hair salons, dog watchers, and gay bars anymore. Here are some crappy pun names for fictional store we’d love to invest in...


1. A waxing salon specializing in private areas called…“Not a Hair in the World”


2. A comedy themed hair salon called….“Hair-De-Hair-Hair”



3. A South Pacific clothing wrap store called…“Sarong, So Right”



4. A store specializing in Indian clothing called…“Me so Sari”



5. … and the Canadian outlet …“Me so Sori”



6. A dog watching business called…“Who Made Sure the Dogs Didn’t Get Let Out?”



7. A shoe store for ladies with extra large feet called….“Shoes by the Foot”



8. An upscale tranny bar called…“Ladies and Gentlemen”



9. A store for dead-beat Dads to buy gifts for their off-spring called… “Create and Bail”



10. A cheap Greek restaurant for European tourists called… “Gyro Trash”

this Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Not as much fun when you don’t poke holes in the barrel."






Here are the left overs...


I also have a whole kit and kaboodle in the truck.





Here are this week's nominees...



"Throw us a doughnut!"
Submitted by William Rodarmor
Berkeley, Calif.

"We'll never get to sleep tonight."
Submitted by J. Hopkins
Duxbury, Mass.

"Abandon cup!"
Submitted by Dan Beckerman
Fogelsville, Pa.

I entered...

“Day seven drinking the Ultra latte, Michael and Peter are dead; but we move on.”

This week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"It sends fifty thousand volts of synergy through the body."











Here are the leftovers...




What would you like to discuss for your last meeting?

Bring in the next applicant.

Congratulations, you got a promotion.

We call it the Exec-utioner.










Here's this weeks nominees...




"I feel a vibration. Can you call my cell phone again?"
Submitted by Chris Sonne
Huntington Beach, Calif.

"These executive desk toys are becoming a nuisance."
Submitted by Robert Malina
Los Angeles, Calif.

"Cancel my lunch date and get me a six-foot baguette."
Submitted by Paul Samra
Brooklyn, N.Y.

I entered...

"Bad news is he ate my computer, good news is I found the "home row" keys."

Tracy Screening in L.A.!

Good news, "Tracy" got into the Burbank International Film Festival...

...bad news, I don't know when or where it's screening yet. The festival runs from July 31st to August 7th, but they haven't posted any dates yet.

I'll post the date and venue as soon as I hear!


Dan

The New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.

“Day seven drinking the Ultra latte, Michael and Peter are dead; but we move on.”



Here are the left overs...

“Biscotti Ho!”

“I ordered a medium!”

“Is this your largest size?”

“Can I get a to-go lid?”

“I meant “Grande”! I really need to brush up on my Spanish!”




Here are this week's nominees...



"That was the wakeup call from Hell."
Submitted by Helen Harrison
Sag Harbor, N.Y.

"Terrormarketer."
Submitted by Christopher Butler
Los Angeles, Calif.

"I think the collection agency is getting serious."
Submitted by Joe Walters
Charleston, S.C.

I entered...
"We never should have gotten caller IED."

Dog Toy Painting Series (Guest Artist Carol Painting)

Here's another great Carol drawing! This one was done by guest artist Kelsey Mann. This awesome/disturbing drawing of Carol was done as a Birthday card for my 34th Birthday this Monday. Check out more of Kelsey's work here.

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

"Bad news is he ate my computer, good news is I found the "home row" keys."









This was a very busy week, so my New Yorker entry came in a little late. Better luck next week!


Here's the leftovers...

I'm a "liti-gator", get it?

Close the door quietly I just put him to sleep.

I need you to keep rubbing counter clockwise while I run to the bathroom.

I'm having lunch at my desk today...What? No, I didn't mean I was going to eat this alligator! Karen, you know I'm vegan. I meant I want the caprese salad from "T.J. Hoopers" brought to my desk, hold the mozzarella. Jesus, you know I love this alligator! I'm sorry, it's just that I work so hard all day, and I have one half hour to myself and I chose to spend it rubbing an elderly alligator's tummy, and this kind of stuff, just makes me feel like I have to explain myself to you and everyone. All I ask is one half hour a day to myself, out of an 8 sometimes 10 hour day! I'm sorry that I can't give more to this company! I'm sorry Karen it's not your fault, I'm just tired. I'm tired, and I can't believe Dan is doing this same bit again. Just because he didn't have time to come up with a funny captions he thinks he can do another rambling one. It's just lazy. He's been doing these captions for over a year, and I just hope that he's not going to do one rambling caption every week now and think that that is cleaver, because it's just not, it's cynical, and frankly unoriginal! There's already a guy who does joke New Yorker Caption Contest entries here. I hate this kind of thing. Again, so cynical, such a bullshit cop out. Why can't people just try to be actually funny, instead of being sarcastic? I'll tell you why, because it's easy to be sarcastic. I hate this kind of humor. Look Scanlon, either take the time to write some actual funny captions, or stop entering all together! It's been over a year and you haven't been nominated, so maybe it's time to call it quits. He's just phoning in a crock of shit for the last few months! He's just dialing in a crock. He's a Crock O Dial! Get it! YEAHHH!!!! He's back!






This weeks nominees...






“I hate the way corporate thinking has taken over surfing, man.”
Submitted by Rob Chafin
Amarillo, Texas

“Now you're embarrassing me, Dad.”
Submitted by Nigel Arscott
El Cerrito, Calif.

“Sharks are biting on gabardine today. Polyester should be O.K.”
Submitted by David McElwain
Boise, Idaho

I entered...

"How do I know you're not a cop?"

This Weeks New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"We never should have gotten caller IED."









Here's the leftovers...


It's your mom.

It's still safer than a cel phone.

I picked up the land mine, instead of the land line. Get it? ...No? Look I'm just trying to have fun with a tragic situation. Yes, I'm up set too! I'm the victim here, the god damn phone blew up in my ear! I don't know why! I'm just trying to keep from freaking out by adding some humor into a confusing, and threatening situation! Oh my god! What the hell is happening?! I think I'm in shock! Oh my god! Who would do this to us?! I think I'm going to throw up! There goes the fire alarm! Call the police! Oh god we can't the phones blown up. Oh my god! I AM going to throw up! Would you please get out of bed?! This isn't happening! Oh God! Oh God! Okay, I am breathing, stop yelling at me. Okay, okay, okay, okay...okay... okay...okay...okay...okay. I'm okay. What? What? I can't hear, all I hear is ringing?! OH MY GOD, RYAN DID THIS! I know it! It's Ryan from work! He said that weird thing to me last week. I told you I wasn't comfortable firing someone! Oh my god! I knew he was dangerous! We have to get out of here! Get your things, we have to get out of here. It's not safe here! I'll get the cat, you get the cel phone and the earthquake kit, and we'll go to your mothers. DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS ON! DO NOT TURN THE LIGHTS ON! DO NOT! He might be... someone might be watching us! STOP YELLING! you're not helping! Don't stand up! Crawl! Follow me...

...Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? This is serious! What? What? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I hate you! Oh my god, I hate you! Unbelievable! unbelievable. Where's Ashton?













Here's this weeks nominees...





"An optimist would see sushi."
Submitted by Leo McCue
Haverhill, Mass.

"Really, voting him off the island was enough."
Submitted by Steve Stein
Larkspur, Calif.

"Let’s ask him to stay for dinner."
Submitted by John Rappel
Chicago, Ill.


I entered...

"Careful, he already ate my favorite book, and my favorite album!"

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"How do I know you're not a cop?"









Here's the leftovers...

You must be a professional surfer.

It's either accounting or Surfing Dave, you can't do both.

I swear I made the last payment on that board!

Can I interest you in some Life Guard Insurance?



Here's this week's nominees...




"That's it. I'm returning those narciscissors today!"
Submitted by Ryan Carroll
Chicago, Ill.

"Keep going—it's starting to turn me on."
Submitted by Michael O’Hara
Malibu, Calif.

"I wish you’d go back to doing self-portraits."
Submitted by Jerry Sobol
New York, N.Y.

I entered...

"I said the garden needs more "Narcissus"."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Careful, he already ate my favorite book, and my favorite album!"



Here are the leftovers...

This is the shark I picked to have on a desert island.

I caught some food.

The good news is there’s no shark in the water.

Marco…Polo...Fish out of water!








Here are this week's nominees...

"These are required, sir. Other people do have to testify after you."
Submitted by Bo Grimes
Pikeville, N.C.

"Would this be the article you consider 'optional'?"
Submitted by Duncan McLeod
Oakland, Calif.

"Your Honor, permission to join the witness."
Submitted by Jonathan Rosenberg
Eugene, Ore.



I entered...

"Please tell me these shorts are still admissible."

Latest Covered...

Here's the latest edition to one of my favorite websites, "Covered". "Covered" was created by comic artist Robert Goodin, it's a website where artists do "covers" of their favorite comic book covers (Like a band "covering" a song). To see and comment on my third, and certainly not final entree... click here...I'm all about the classic X-men.

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"I said the garden needs more "Narcissus"."









Here's the leftovers...


I hope you're enjoying your "me" time.





Here's this weeks nominees...





"I told you the matinée wouldn't be crowded."
Submitted by Don Georgianna
Brooklyn, N.Y.

"And I have him booked right through the Iron Age."
Submitted by Ted May
New York, N.Y.

"Before we got fire, we used to talk to each other."
Submitted by Virginia Dunn
San Diego, Calif.

I entered...

"If only there was a way to pause this so I could go to the bathroom."

This Weeks New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Please tell me these shorts are still admissible."








Here's the leftovers...


My I remind you you’re under oath, and under dressed.

Place your right hand on these gross shorts and repeat after me.



Here's this weeks nominees...




"He won't last long."
Submitted by Andrew Seward
Frederick, Md.

"Monday mornings you want to strangle him."
Submitted by Tom Frenkel
Sunnyside, N.Y.

"Baxter's our idea man."
Submitted by David Ewbank
Kent, Ohio

I entered...

"The conference room needs "extra seats", not ecstasy!"

F.U. Money

What would you do if you had so much money that you could say a big old "F U" to the world? This is what I would do...


I admit I don't know much about cars, but if I had endless financial means I would get one of the most extravagant cars money can buy just to make my static clear to the world. As I tried to think of the one car that represents incredible extravagance over all others, only one automobile came to mind. A car so luxurious that the likes of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Ted Turner can only rent one, a car so unique one needs specialized training just to drive it. That's right, I'm taking about...

















a limousine.






When I get my fortune I will not only purchase my own Limousine, but I plan on under going the elite "chauffeurs" training needed to drive this automobile. That way I will be able to pull up next to the "new money millionaires" in their Porches, Rolls Royces, and Lamborghinis and blow their minds as I tip my official chauffeurs cap and wrap my white gloves around the wheel and peel out into traffic. But I won't just be driving this thing to the store, hell no, I plan on doing some high performance shit; street racing, close track, Gumball 3000, I plan on opening up this M F'er! I will push it to the limit, even if it means blowing out a few worn tires and replacing a few busted champagne flutes.


I know what you're thinking, "Yeah, a Limousine is a phenomenal machine, but how practical is it? The Limousine not only has the elegance and sportiness of a Dodge Viper, it also has the practicality of a Ford Super Duty 450. Most sports vehicles don't even have a back seat, but the Limousine has the cargo room to haul furniture, industrial lumber, and an Apocalypse worth of groceries.


So as we head into prom season, the next time you pull up next to a beautiful Lincoln stretch, think twice before you challenge it to a drag off the line, it might just be me behind that tinted glass, and I will not hesitate to smoke your ass.

Covered

On Friday May 7th I'm going to have another comic cover on the Covered website. I know this isn't much of a post, but I just wanted to post something other than a New Yorker Caption Contest.

Click here for the ones I've done thus far...

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"If only there was a way to pause this so I could go to the bathroom."




Here's the leftovers...


Looks like there’s a use for this “fire” after all.

Now if we can just figure out how to turn fire into porn.

The news is too flashy these days.

I’ve seen this one.

Thank you, we’ll have our people capture your people.





Here's this weeks nominees...





“Dr. Ogden just called to say your mercury levels are on the high side.”
Submitted by Carol Burnham
Belvedere, Calif.

“Did you put 3,250 pounds of 'fresh mackerel' on my credit card?”
Submitted by Les Rubin
Floral Park, N.Y.

“Those buckets of fish heads aren't going to take themselves out.”
Submitted by Meredith Tyminski
Scottsdale, Ariz.

I entered...
"I don’t care if you are a walrus, start acting like a manatee!"

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"The conference room needs "extra seats", not ecstasy!"









Here's the leftovers...


I told you he's not allowed to have caffeine.

How do you know that was my fart?








Here's this week's nominees...




"I'm six feet tall if I stand on my toes."
Submitted by Bruce Fallick
Kirkland, Wash.

"O.K., now we'd like to see No. 4 in the tutu."
Submitted by Mike Hammer
Arlington, Va.

"These were winnowed down from a group of thirty-seven using DNA testing."
Submitted by Robert Siegel
Rochester, N.Y.

I entered...
"Number 3 please perform a Petit jete followed by a Fouette en tournant and say, “Give me your wallet or I’ll knock out your teeth."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"I don’t care if you are a walrus, start acting like a manatee!"




Here are the leftovers...

Oh, stop your blubbering.



Here's this weeks nominees...





"This is the last time I park on this side of town!"
Submitted by Michael Wagner
Glendale, Wis.

"I knew I should have had that alarm installed when I got you."
Submitted by James Novaco
Naugatuck, Conn.

"Sorry, boy, but you know how it is with them peel 'n' eat shrimp."
Submitted by Andrew Jeske
Hartsdale, N.Y.


I entered...
"Good news! I won your skin back."

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Number 3 please perform a Petit jete followed by a Fouette en tournant and say, “Give me your wallet or I’ll knock out your teeth."



Here are the leftovers...


Do you know which one of the suspects waltz out of the store with your money?

Mrs. Harding would you please step forward.










Here are this weeks nominees...






“You the Ponzi varmint that lost our nest egg?”
Submitted by Annette Gasparon
Secane, Pa.

“Sorry, buddy, but we've got the room for the next hour.”
Submitted by Joseph Gibson
Winter Haven, Fla.

“Is this a bad time to talk about refinancing our loan?”
Submitted by Twyman Towery
Mount Juliet, Tenn.

I entered...

"I guess donkey burgers are an acquired taste."

Dog Toy Painting Series ( Cat Toy )

It's been awhile since I did a Dog Toy Painting, and it's going to be awhile until I do another, but in the meantime, this one was done for my wife of our cat Monkey's favorite toy. I don't normally do toys that don't have faces, but most of her toys didn't. Monkey use to grab hold of this thing and tare the crap out of it!

F.U. Money

What would you do if you had so much money that you could say a big old "F U" to the world? This is what I would do...

We don't own a car at the moment, but if we need one, we rent one from City Car Share. It's like a regular rental car service only all of the cars have a crappy graphic on the side that basically says, "This isn't my car. I rented this, because I can't afford a car".


But when I get my F.U. money I'm going to buy the most expensive, impractical car money can buy and I'm painting that shitty logo on the side. I'll pull up next to people in real City Car Share cars and they'll think, "What?! How did you get that? I thought they only had VW bugs and PT Cruisers!"



But I won't be a total jerk. I will contact City Rental Car and allow them to actually rent my car out for the reasonable price of $2,000 a day, and I will give half of that money to charity and the other half I will spend on this one hat I want.

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Good news! I won your skin back."



Here are the leftovers...

At least they didn't steal the radio.

God, how long have I been in there?

Let's meet up with the other three cowboys of the Apocalypse.

They got to get clocks in that saloon.








Here's this weeks nominees...




“Your availability comes off as desperation.”
Submitted by Shivonna Randazzo
Brooklyn, N.Y.

“You don't need to whisper—they're made of wax.”
Submitted by Sean Farrell
Los Angeles, Calif.

“What makes you think we found your cat story boring?”
Submitted by Lynn Tudor
New York, N.Y.

I entered...

"Would you like to tweet a prayer?"

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.



"I guess donkey burgers are an acquired taste."



Here's the leftovers...

Don't worry, you can always move back home with us.







Here are this weeks nominees...



"Her testosterone levels are through the roof."
Submitted by Doug Loynes
Dublin, Ohio

"I'm afraid he's started refusing all conditioners."
Submitted by Thomas van Geel
Natick, Mass.

"We were as shocked as you were that you’re a donor match."
Submitted by Annette Gasparon
Secane, Pa.

I entered...

"Your mother's rejecting the Estrogen."

Bettered!

Here's a fun thing... Next time you see a homemade sign at a local store, design a better version using as many of the original elements as possible. Send it to the store, tape it over the original, or email it to me and I'll "Better" it for you, and then you can proudly call out, "BOOM! You just got BETTERED!"

This is the sign that gave me the idea for "Bettered. Michele took this picture in the bathroom of our 2nd favorite Indian restaurants in Marin...



Boom! you just got BETTERED!

This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Would you like to tweet a prayer?"





Here are the leftovers...


Sure is nice to have dinner with friends.

The family that ignores each other together, stay together.

These are my closest friends, we’ve known of each other for years.

Best family reunion ever!

Your brother just IM’d you a question!

I'm so glad they don't allow smoking in restaurants anymore, it's so obnoxious.







Here's this weeks nominees...





"If you think this is annoying, just wait. In a few miles, they switch to binary."
Submitted by Kelly Ferguson
Los Osos, Calif.

"I heard they're part of a failed Italian space program."
Submitted by Melissa Guensler
Fredericksburg, Texas

"You know, a drive in this old open roadster sure does turn back the clock!"
Submitted by Dennis Sayers
Columbus, Ohio

I entered...

"They really need to update the speed limit around here."

This Weeks New Yorker Caption Contest

Here is my entry in this weeks New Yorker Caption Contest. Each week they provide the image and you provide the caption.


"Your mother's rejecting the Estrogen."







Here's the leftovers...

He's devolved quite a bit.

Good news, Robin Williams woke up from his coma.






Here's this week's nominees...




“O.K., counsellor, we heard your argument. Now tell us a story.”
Submitted by Fred Orelove
Richmond, Va.

“Five to four of us would like you to get the lights on your way out.”
Submitted by Robert Shay
Columbia, Mo.

“How long have you been standing there?”
Submitted by Evan Carrison
Chicago, Ill.


I entered...


"The court rests."

F.U. Money

What would you do if you had so much money that you could say a big old "F U" to the world? This is what I would do...

I'd buy a private plane and I'd call it, "The I Dare You God..."


That's right, as my hours cheating physics increased, so would my insurance that I am an unstoppable force in the universe, more powerful, more intelligent, and more famous then all things, including god...



Take that "God"! If that is your real name...




And if that doesn't kill me, I'm buying an experimental aircraft and calling it, " The Double or Nothing."