Five Creepy Things

Here’s a list of five things that give me the creeps. See if you agree, or add something to the list.

1. People that used to have mustaches.

I don’t have to know someone to know that they use to have a mustache. You can just tell something missing. Their naked upper lip looks like the faded square left behind on a wall where a family portrait once hung. The skin looks smooth and dangerously sensitive, like the skin underneath your toenails.


2. Muscular comedians.


You can’t look tough and be funny. Although looking tough is funny, so maybe I’m wrong. Actually almost anything other than beating the crap out of someone looks stupid when done accompanied by a bunch of muscles. Picture any of the following being done by a super ripped guy…

Knitting,
Performing extremely delicate lasik eye surgery,
Calligraphy,
Reporting the news,
Framing a picture,
Diligently recording testimony on a tiny courtroom typewriter,
Building a puppet.

3. Bald guys with beards.


I’m a bald guy myself and if I so much as forget to shave for a few days I start to look like my head is on upside down.


4. Adults you haven’t seen since they were kids.


No one enjoys running into old classmates, but for me the worst part is looking at the grotesque adult version of them and feeling guilty, like I somehow left them in the oven too long, forgot about them, and now they’re over cooked. All that’s left is an eerily familiar tiny face spread out across a swollen head. The worst part is I know they’re thinking the same thing about me.


5. Little kids kissing


Dressing them up like adults doesn’t make it better, it actually makes it worse. One person’s get well card is another person’s child pornography.